Evolution

In my years of dealing with myself and my issues, I have finally realized something important, nothing is ever really behind me, or in front of me, and to accept it.
I am one of those people that like to tackle problems head on. I do try to do it in a compassionate way but, I always want to do something to get the issue "behind me" as it were. While the strategy works fairly well for me, on many of my deeper issues, I have noticed that they still come up from time to time. I have found this extremely frustrating. I find myself thinking, "I have already dealt with that!" I have felt angry and defeated.
About a month and a half ago, I was in a workshop with my teacher Jeff and his wife Donna. As we were working yoga poses and breathing exercises, Jeff notices that I seemed numb. That is what he said too. Upon hearing his words, I realize he is absolutely right. I could not feel the middle of my torso and this had lead to me unable to feel what my shoulders and hips were doing.
During that workshop, I had spoke to Jeff about it. I told him how angry I was. He tried to tell me not to be, that I am just working through another part of my pain and it is really showing me something new. Honestly, I was not ready to hear it, so I left frustrated.
After that day, my body began to talk. It was no longer numb, I had back pain, shoulder pain, hamstring pain (from a past injury), depression (deep, deep, almost suicidal), and boils on my face (I took Accutane for them over 10 years ago and have not had any since, until recently). That numbness was protecting me from things that I did not want to deal with. That numbness was protecting me from things that I had thought I had dealt with before. I was frustrated and angry. I had forgiven people for past wrongs, I thought I had let that stuff go. I thought I had completely rehabbed the hamstring injury, and now it was hurting my lower back. While I was in the thick of all the pain, I realized that I had to start dealing with it instead of be angry about it. So I am. I am waking up. I am drinking water, juicing, doing a regular yoga practice, acupuncture, and more. It is working. I am on the right track. I am learning that I have to consciously care for myself and when I do not, my pain gets bad.
Anyway, this numbness has taught me something more than just "working on my pain so that I can get it behind me". I realize that there is no fixing it. That every time I move forward and evolve as a person, that often old stuff just might show up. It does not mean that I did not deal with it, it just means that there is another part of it that I need to work on and that is okay. I also realized that nothing is ever really "behind me". It is all there with me. How it effects me is my choice. My evolution is not dropping my past, it is accepting it. My evolution is not changing myself, it is accepting myself. Awe! I finally see what that means.
 I think that through all of this I understand the Four Noble Truths on a deeper level. Maybe in a much more practical way. :) Peace.

Hair dye and honesty.

Well, just getting up and practicing on my mat has already had me taking a cold hard look at my life. What have I found out? Well, my life is actually pretty damn good. Really............ I just have not been living like it is good, ya know? I have really taken a lot for granted, even yoga.
I decided to give up wine for a while in an effort to clear my head. I began this on Sunday. This week I have had head and neck pain and I finally realize this is withdrawl. Sure, it is not too severe but, it sort of leaves me uneasy to know that I was drinking enough wine to have withdrawls in the first place. I am at the end of the withdrawl period so, I hope that I will begin to feel better.
I have to say, since I quit drinking I sleep better, my anxiety is getting a bit better, and I feel have more time. It has only been a week, so let us see what happens. :)
I also am home most of the day today so I decided to treat myself to some beauty stuff and I dyed my hair. That has got me thinking about honesty. Is it honest to dye my hair? I do know, not seeing those gray hairs does somehow make me feel better. So, for now, I will think of it that way, just a little way to lift my spirits.

My morning smoothie

Since I began the quest to do a yoga practice of some kind everyday, I wanted to also drink a smoothie full of fruits and veggies in the morning and juice from my juicer it the afternoon. Usually I make enough smoothie for me and Steve but he had his left over from yesterday so I had to figure out how to make a smoothie for one. :) It happens to be very green today because of all of the healthy spinach. Luckily it did not taste at all like spinach. It was actually very yummy!

This morning, I used my new mysore rug as I did rehab on my hamstring. We will be doing Ashtanga in my power group tonight so I just did a light practice. The big differnce that I am noticing thus far is that my morning dialog in my head is changing. I do not talk myself out of getting up, not that my tired brain does not try, I just get up and move past the thoughts. The shower does help motivate me to get up. Because I am not supposed to put on lotion before my practice, I have began to spray my skin with a little apple cider vinegar and water. It really does keep me soft during practice and not so itchy. :)

My New Cotton Mat

I am really excited to practice on my new cotton yoga mat! Isn't it pretty? I tried yoga towels and did not like them too much but, I am hoping that I like this. If not it is pretty enough to hang.

Watching Food Inc. Extremely eye opening. We need to become more conscious about what we eat and were it comes from.

Letting go.

I got up this morning, 6am sharp, got in the shower and got ready to practice. My neck was hurting. I went to do a jump back on my first sun salutation B and my neck just about froze. It was sharp pain in my upper back. OUCH! I quickly grabbed my trust-y tennis ball and worked it out. It helped but I still feel tight and bruised. I have realized that maybe I have to let go of going right into Ashtanga from not doing my own practice. I really want to do it but, I seem to have a few issues between my strained hamstring and now my upper back. My plan is to slow down a bit. I am going to do some Yogatoday.com videos. There are Ashtanga ones and so many others too so I can vary my daily practice by my needs. I am letting go but continuing to press forward. With love. :)

Deep Breath Stay With It.

Today I did a deep meditation. This morning did not start off particularly grand. My hips were hurting, I was stressing out and fighting with Steve. Concentrating on anything was nearly impossible. So I sat in my bed and closed my eyes. I followed my breath and then felt the pain in my left hip. "Stay with it" I would remind myself when my mind went to problem solve, or talk to me. Stay with my hip and FEEL it. So I did this for about an hour and a half. Almost all of the morning. My mind even tried to pull me away with things that I "should" be doing but I just stayed with it. Honestly, it did help. It helped my pain. I am begining to see things a little more clearly. I will do this again tonight as I fall asleep. Stay with it. Good night. :)

Networking

I have decided that I do love networking! Well at least the meeting other people at functions thing. I was so nervous about going to my friend Linda's open house but, it was really great fun and I met so many people with in my industry or at least related to my industry. It was very uplifting. After speaking with a few people, I learned a lot about what they do and they even helped me learn some about myself.

One pretty big breakthrough was learning that I am conflicted. I know that seems strange and I should have known that but, this pain in my solarplexes is from that and yet it has taken me until now to realize that I am very conflicted. It has been this sort of unconscious confliction between my father's values that he believed for me and my own values for myself. I did not even realize it was still there. I know this is the reason for my over active solar plexes (manipura) chakra. When he mentioned it, I felt it. I truly need to beleive in myself and trust myself and in return trust others too.

On a physical level, have have sourly neglected backbends in my yoga practice. That truly explains my pulled hamstring as I am in the habit of doing more than my fair share of folding forward. That will change and be worked in my daily practice.

Happy St Patty's day. Let the green remind you of LOVE. The love in your own heart and the love we have for others. As you can only receive what you can also give. Namaste.