I am one of those people that like to tackle problems head on. I do try to do it in a compassionate way but, I always want to do something to get the issue "behind me" as it were. While the strategy works fairly well for me, on many of my deeper issues, I have noticed that they still come up from time to time. I have found this extremely frustrating. I find myself thinking, "I have already dealt with that!" I have felt angry and defeated.
About a month and a half ago, I was in a workshop with my teacher Jeff and his wife Donna. As we were working yoga poses and breathing exercises, Jeff notices that I seemed numb. That is what he said too. Upon hearing his words, I realize he is absolutely right. I could not feel the middle of my torso and this had lead to me unable to feel what my shoulders and hips were doing.
During that workshop, I had spoke to Jeff about it. I told him how angry I was. He tried to tell me not to be, that I am just working through another part of my pain and it is really showing me something new. Honestly, I was not ready to hear it, so I left frustrated.
After that day, my body began to talk. It was no longer numb, I had back pain, shoulder pain, hamstring pain (from a past injury), depression (deep, deep, almost suicidal), and boils on my face (I took Accutane for them over 10 years ago and have not had any since, until recently). That numbness was protecting me from things that I did not want to deal with. That numbness was protecting me from things that I had thought I had dealt with before. I was frustrated and angry. I had forgiven people for past wrongs, I thought I had let that stuff go. I thought I had completely rehabbed the hamstring injury, and now it was hurting my lower back. While I was in the thick of all the pain, I realized that I had to start dealing with it instead of be angry about it. So I am. I am waking up. I am drinking water, juicing, doing a regular yoga practice, acupuncture, and more. It is working. I am on the right track. I am learning that I have to consciously care for myself and when I do not, my pain gets bad.
Anyway, this numbness has taught me something more than just "working on my pain so that I can get it behind me". I realize that there is no fixing it. That every time I move forward and evolve as a person, that often old stuff just might show up. It does not mean that I did not deal with it, it just means that there is another part of it that I need to work on and that is okay. I also realized that nothing is ever really "behind me". It is all there with me. How it effects me is my choice. My evolution is not dropping my past, it is accepting it. My evolution is not changing myself, it is accepting myself. Awe! I finally see what that means.
I think that through all of this I understand the Four Noble Truths on a deeper level. Maybe in a much more practical way. :) Peace.
